Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
