A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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