I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
