Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
