Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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