the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
