I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
