I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
