I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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