Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
