that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
