Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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