The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
