woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
