Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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