You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
