you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
