dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
