my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
