I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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