Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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