life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
