I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
