dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
