My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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