I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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