You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
