btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
