I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
