Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
