hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I am mentally ready for anal.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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