hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
