When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
