so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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