dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
