I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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