thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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