It's Friday. Sex?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you had me at cake vodka
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
