Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
