I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
