Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
