I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
...so i touched it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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