Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
