did you get engaged???
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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