Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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