he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
