So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
