Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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