Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
