i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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