I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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