my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
