I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
