I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
