one word: firstdatebathroomanal
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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